on attention spans

I recently told someone that “I haven’t had a coherent thought in years”, semi-ironically. But come to think of it, I haven’t - with design, most of my days are spent perfecting my portfolio, changing words and screens here and there but never making something completely new. Always thinking about existing products, but being too afraid to think of a completely new one. But still, I guess you could say I’m an artist though right - that must take some concentrated effort. I’m an artist - I draw but when I talk about it I always say “used to”. I used to apply to art school, I used to have a portfolio, I meander around the point so much that I fear I’ve stopped being an interesting person.

I’ve always admired people who devour books and quote obscure references and highlight certain poignant paragraphs from random text. I don’t think I’ve done that since high school when I’d spend late nights scrolling through Tumblr - finding some obscure Tumblr screenshot of a book, and then reading the source for twenty minutes.

I don’t know who or what is to blame for this. I think, perhaps, with the pandemic I’ve grown to value being with others far more than drawing. Perhaps, my subconscious associates creating with isolation, creating with taking responsibility, and taking responsibility is one of the scariest things. Perhaps the reason I can’t make anymore isn’t the lack of time or energy or attention span perhaps I’d rather spend time going down the hole of social media and TikTok as a reflection of myself than actually look at myself and how my convictions lay on such shaky grounds.

A lot of tech people display their writing online for all to see, they talk about trends in technology like a research theorist, or personal struggles in a calculated way that always comes off with some greater meaning. I guess, that’s what I hope this to be, but I don’t know if I even consume anything tactfully anymore. What even is tact anyways? What deserves notoriety? I can’t consume anything of any meaning, then what meaning is it of thing I write?

I’m not sure what the point of my first substack post was, there isn’t any truly great overarching meaning but I’ve ultimately realized I want to hold better convictions and trust in myself in the New Year. To treat others with kindness but most of all to treat myself with kindness. To not shut myself off with “I can’t”, but more of an “I Will”.

It was along that same conversation I kept on reiterating that I “didn’t know how to read” or was too dumb to “understand” - even if it was out of awkwardness or humbleness, I think my sense of self has faltered. In recent club feedback someone mentioned I say “I think” a lot, that I don’t seem to know how to make decisions. Another aspect I want to be in the New Year is to be more assertive, to fail more boldly, to take more certain steps. Even if I fail, life goes on, it’ll be a harder fall but I’d rather fall and crash than fear each moment.

I’ll also work on increasing my attention span over the New Year too.