I’m not sure when I first conceived that “I was lost”, I think it was when I was crashing on my friend’s couch, scrolling through the mind-numbingness of hinge and listening to the squeaking of his hamster running on the wheel. Or maybe it was when I tried to draw for the first time in months and found myself unable to figure out what the next stroke was. But it was most definitely when I realized that I had reached what I thought were my dreams this summer only to realize that maybe this hadn’t been “it”. This title, this role, hadn’t been what I was reaching towards, like the eponymous green light in the Great Gatsby it had only been a projection of what I wanted to have and what would solve my problems. Despite somewhat of a self-awareness, I had fallen into the trap this great Wait but Why article had detailed, a creeping dissatisfaction of my day to day and a persistent noise of “what’s next?”
I decided I needed to gap for several reasons. One was that the mentality I had in university was taxing, I felt like I had to constantly be productive otherwise the 30k I spent on tuition had all gone down the drain. The second was that if I had graduated early, I didn’t know what to do next. I could spend the next weeks avoiding thinking or trying what I truly was interested in, which would lead me to confront what questions doing absolutely nothing entails. Rather, I could do it earlier and perhaps grow into a stronger person because of it.
Last night, when I was thinking about all the decisions I had made in my life, I had grown scared I made the wrong one again. For all the times my friends had told me the unlucky events were out of my control, I truly believed that I would be the cause of my own demise, which made moving forward brashly into life a terrifying one. Even after thinking it through, even after multiple affirmations this wasn’t as rash as it seemed, I laid there, paralyzed, that I had once again messed up. Time moved abominably slowly, I couldn’t bring myself to march forward with assurance.
What ended making me feel an inkling better was the weirdest thing. It was LinkedIn histories of people meandering for years and years out of school to gradually reach towards where they wanted to be. I had long believed that a circuitous path was out of the norm, one to be avoided. I wanted to see the hoops and hurdles that lay ahead, a clear monopoly board that detailed what to do to get towards what I thought I wanted. But seeing the gentle curves of experiences led by the joy of heading down a path with no end in sight made me feel like it was all going to be alright.
generic updates:
helped make the layout for reboot’s annual kernel magazine and lowkey felt incredibly satisfying and made me reconsider what brings me joy and makes me happy - kind of want to detail that in a different post
proclaiming you’re going to start making things for no utilitarian purpose is incredibly hard to actually do esp. when the reasoning for gapping is to also focus on recruiting x.x
hung out with PA kids after 2 months of traveling was very nice
feeling very anxious for letting go of my club commitments but hoping it will turn out okay